What is your biggest insecurity? Some people feel insecure about their weight, some feel insecure about their height, most of South Asian Women have insecurities about their brown complexion. If you ask me, well I am full of insecurities about myself. I am not sure if that thought ever occurred to you, but if you think little deep you will realize, you never had any insecurities at first actually. Suppose you are out with someone really close to you, for some shopping, and you are trying a new dress, something not what you usually wear. And when you ask from him/her about how do you look, if she/he replies that this dress or design doesn’t suit you well, next time when you see this type of dress or design, you will be like, “oh, this doesn’t suit me at all, I better avoid this one!” Your insecurity is never your creation, but someone prepared it for you.
The thing is people love complaining. When they’ve got nothing in their life to complain about, they slip into other people’s business. Think it this way, when do you actually complain? When you don’t or can’t have something, right? More specifically the absence of any particular thing in you, in your life or in your collection makes you start complaining. If you are too thin, you’d complain, but when you are fat you’d also complain. Human minds are complicated and the worst system we have in our brain is not being grateful. We have lots of ungrateful people around us. And the worst of the worst of them can’t accept the fact that unlike them there are actually people who are happy in their life, so those jerks come to you out of nowhere and start pointing at you what you don’t or can’t have.
Being a fat, short heighted brown girl, I’ve always been insecure about my look. Few years ago, some friend of my very closed one commented that I am fat, and I should consider being careful about it. The moment I came to know that I’ve started being very concerned about how I do I look in the pictures. Because there’s no way in hell that person can meet me in person, but however Facebook often allows you to see friends of your friends by the tag option. I tried different poses just to make me look less fat. However, I never stopped eating to be honest, I only wanted to look less fat in the picture, not in real life lol 😀 How do you look in your Facebook pictures MATTER, TRUST ME! Another incident was bunch of my friends started questioning me in the comment section of one of my facebook photo if I am PREGNANT, cause the dress was a little fluffy on the down side. I was furious at the incident because I believe pregnancy is a very personal issue, YOU CAN’T JUST ASK QUESTION ABOUT THAT IN COMMENT SECTION OF FACEBOOK, NO, NEVER! A very recent incident happened when I took a trip to my country few months ago. Lots of my relatives were like : “oh you’ve lost quite a lot of weight, but we heard you’ve became so fat!”. Let me assure you, they are not even on my Facebook friend list and not everyone of them actually has an account on facebook. So very few of them has the opportunity to see me in facebook, or more specifically they only can see my cover picture, and I’m very selective about what I post as I mentioned I’ve insecurity issue. However, on one occasion I posted one picture, where I looked a little fat, and they made sure to spread this particular news like fire! Now, I have lost around 20kg from that “pregnant looking picture” issue, or that particular picture that entertained my relatives, but yet when I was changing my cover picture today in facebook, I kept watching the picture from different angles to make sure I don’t look fat! Even when I know that I’m 20 kg less now, exactly on the range what I was while I was in Bangladesh before moving back to Korea. I really felt very hopeless today. So you see if people didn’t mention those words to me, I would never be like this. Being fat is my insecurity is because people keep talking about that to me. I’m not in the obese range anymore, just a little more than the normal range, yet I struggle with insecurity everyday!
Let me tell you my husband’s stories. My husband loves sport related stuffs, so few years ago he started taking taekwondo (Korean traditional martial art) classes. He does that because he loves it, there’s no other reason to it. Yet people will say to him, why he is so fat, when he is taking taekwondo class! Well losers, because his wife makes the best of the best dishes for him, that’s why! When he almost drowned few months ago while sea surfing, rather than consoling him people started saying he should take swimming class, not taekwondo! People keep forgetting, or more like don’t wanna remember that he does taekwondo out of love, out of hobby. People keep mentioning what he doesn’t have rather than appreciating that he earned a black belt in taekwondo in just one year!
So that’s why I’m writing today, to remind you almost everyone around you is douchebag. They will ignore what you have and keep telling you what you don’t! But you know what, deep down inside, they envy how happy you are in your life, unlike those ungrateful jerks! Keep your heads up and pretend they don’t even exist at all!
Have a good night!
Btw a little personal update, I’ve succesfully defended my Master’s thesis and submitted my full thesis paper. Been busy for a long time with these, a little relaxed now! Hopefully will start my PhD in September. Wish me luck!
-Munira Chowdhury, 21/06/2018